Co-regulation is the "dance" of social interaction. It is one of the earliest means of communication developed in infancy.
Co-regulation is unpredictable, but not too unpredictable. It rests on the premise of "My actions are influenced by, but not controlled by, your actions, and likewise, your actions are influenced by, but not controlled by, my actions."
For example, think about having a conversation. What you say is going to be influenced by, but not controlled by what your partner says. Your partner's responses, likewise, will be influenced by what you say, but you do not control their responses. It is unpredictable, in that you do not know exactly what your partner will say, but it is not so unpredictable that you are confused. Your partner's responses are influenced by your responses, so your partner will likely respond with something that is on-topic and makes sense.
This "dance" develops in early infancy through a series of daily interactions with parents and caregivers. Think about a simple game of peek-a-boo. It might start with mommy hiding her face behind her hands and peeking out. If baby responds with a smile, or a giggle, mommy might do it again. As the game goes on, mommy might add more variations to the game, hiding her face behind a blanket, for example. Baby might also respond in different ways, laughing at one variation, studying another, and eventually, turning away and signaling that the game is over. The game is unpredictable, but not so unpredictable that it becomes confusing for either mom or baby.
Children with autism have difficulty with co-regulation. They have difficulty seeing the underlying patterns that help us to make sense of the interaction, so to them, co-regulation is completely unpredictable. Many individuals on the spectrum respond to co-regulatory interactions by either a)withdrawing, either into themselves, or physically leaving the situation, or b)trying to control the interaction - talking incessantly about a preferred topic or insisting that their partner follow a script.
So, how to we help our children with this? The first step is to spend time just "being" with your child. You are not trying to get any specific response from your child, you are simply "hanging out" with no agenda. This can be tricky at first, as many children will respond by either trying to withdraw or controlling the interaction. This is where we often recommend sitting side by side on a couch or a porch swing. Make sure there are no distractions around (tv is off, no special interest toys or video games, etc.).
The rules are as follows: You cannot leave. This is a strategy we've often referred to as "I won't make you do anything, but I'm not letting go." Hold your child's hand, if necessary, and gently but firmly insist that you are sitting together for the duration. Start with small intervals (5 minutes, or even less, the first day, build up from there). The object is to let the child know that s/he must stay with you, but that you are not going to try to "get" them to do anything in particular. This is a sore spot for many children on the spectrum, especially those who have been through behavioral programs and are used to therapists who expect them to perform specific tasks. This is not about performance, it is about learning how to interact. It may take several days, but once your child knows that s/he is not going to be pressured to perform, their resistance generally lessens.
Rule #2, do not allow the child to control the interaction. This is where some children will attempt to take control by talking about an obsessive topic of interest, or insisting that you engage in a script with them. If your child is talking about an obsessive interest, tell them that we are not talking about that right now. If necessary, wear headphones to give your child a visual cue that you will not participate in the interaction. Don't worry if s/he keeps talking anyway, just stay with them, but do not engage in conversation about the obsessive topic. Use the same strategies with a child who tries to get you to participate in a script. Stay calm, do not participate, and hold on, even if your child is upset. This is where it is important to set a limit, until your child makes the discovery that s/he is not being asked to perform. Once that occurs, the resistance generally fades, but it can take time, so be patient.
Setting the stage for co-regulation is one of the more difficult aspects of getting started, but it is critical to future success. This part can be difficult for parents, because you are often feeling like you are not really "doing" anything. Trust me, you are setting the stage so you and your child can "do" great things later. Getting through your child's initial resistance is difficult, so make sure you have support and downtime of your own, because staying calm is critical. Hang in there, take your time, and know that your patience and faith will pay off.
In my next post, I will discuss taking this from "hanging out" into co-regulation
Monday, December 21, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
I'm Back, With Apologies
Hello everyone! I'd like to apologize for my absence over the past months - it has been a busy, eventful time for my family. My son, who has a history of seizures, had a setback this summer, and we have been working hard to help him through. The good news is that he is doing much better now, and I would love to share a bit with you.
Alex had a follow-up EEG last spring. It showed no seizure activity, so we were advised to take him off his meds. At first he was doing fine, but we noticed several things over the summer that were alarming. His sleeping patterns were interrupted. He started to complain of frequent headaches. Occasionally, he would eat until he vomited. Most disturbing, he regressed in his RDI program - his ability to read facial expressions regressed, he became more inflexible, and his stimming behaviors and high-pitched noises increased.
My RDI Consultant (yes, I have an RDI Consultant, even though I am also trained in the program. She has the distance necessary to help me see our progress and setbacks as they are, not as I would like them to be, and she is wonderful) felt that he might still be suffering from seizures, though they were likely so deep into his brain that a basic EEG would not pick them up. She recommended a doctor in Deerfield, Illinois who could do a test called a brain SPECT scan, which could pick up on activity deep inside the brain.
The SPECT showed seizure activity, as well as helping the doctor to pinpoint which parts of his brain are under-active and which are over-active. We started by putting him on depakote to treat the seizures. It took a few months to build him up to the proper dose, and during that time we noticed regression and progress in fits and starts. The general pattern was to see some regression right after we raised the dose (for example, he would get really obsessive over a toy, or have a hard time waiting to do something he really wanted to do). After a day or two, this would pass, and we saw big changes. He started reading my facial expressions again. He started imitating facial expressions.
We saw other incredible changes. He started spontaneously greeting his peers. He is showing curiosity and asking questions, like "What did you have for lunch today?" He is teasing his brother, which is annoying, but so normal. He follows me around like a toddler and wants to help me clean the kitchen or cook dinner. In many ways, his is like a preschooler. My background is in early childhood education, and he reminds me a great deal of the preschoolers I've worked with - seeking interaction, asking many questions, not always behaving appropriately, but learning with consistent redirection and guidance. He is finally at a place where I can guide him again.
We still have a long way to go. His doctor wants to work on stimulating his prefrontal cortex, so we will be starting neurofeedback next year.
I will continue to update you on how he is doing, and to get back to my posts on RDI. Again, I apologize for my absence, and I will do my best to post here regularly again.
Happy holidays to all!
Alex had a follow-up EEG last spring. It showed no seizure activity, so we were advised to take him off his meds. At first he was doing fine, but we noticed several things over the summer that were alarming. His sleeping patterns were interrupted. He started to complain of frequent headaches. Occasionally, he would eat until he vomited. Most disturbing, he regressed in his RDI program - his ability to read facial expressions regressed, he became more inflexible, and his stimming behaviors and high-pitched noises increased.
My RDI Consultant (yes, I have an RDI Consultant, even though I am also trained in the program. She has the distance necessary to help me see our progress and setbacks as they are, not as I would like them to be, and she is wonderful) felt that he might still be suffering from seizures, though they were likely so deep into his brain that a basic EEG would not pick them up. She recommended a doctor in Deerfield, Illinois who could do a test called a brain SPECT scan, which could pick up on activity deep inside the brain.
The SPECT showed seizure activity, as well as helping the doctor to pinpoint which parts of his brain are under-active and which are over-active. We started by putting him on depakote to treat the seizures. It took a few months to build him up to the proper dose, and during that time we noticed regression and progress in fits and starts. The general pattern was to see some regression right after we raised the dose (for example, he would get really obsessive over a toy, or have a hard time waiting to do something he really wanted to do). After a day or two, this would pass, and we saw big changes. He started reading my facial expressions again. He started imitating facial expressions.
We saw other incredible changes. He started spontaneously greeting his peers. He is showing curiosity and asking questions, like "What did you have for lunch today?" He is teasing his brother, which is annoying, but so normal. He follows me around like a toddler and wants to help me clean the kitchen or cook dinner. In many ways, his is like a preschooler. My background is in early childhood education, and he reminds me a great deal of the preschoolers I've worked with - seeking interaction, asking many questions, not always behaving appropriately, but learning with consistent redirection and guidance. He is finally at a place where I can guide him again.
We still have a long way to go. His doctor wants to work on stimulating his prefrontal cortex, so we will be starting neurofeedback next year.
I will continue to update you on how he is doing, and to get back to my posts on RDI. Again, I apologize for my absence, and I will do my best to post here regularly again.
Happy holidays to all!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Support Legislation to Include Developmental and Cognitive Therapies in ATAA
The Autism Treatment and Acceleration Act is currently under consideration in the U.S. Senate. This potential legislation mandates insurance coverage for behavioral therapies, but does not specify coverage for other valuable, evidence-based interventions, including RDI.
Please follow this link and sign this petition to ask our legislators to include these valuable, cognitive-developmental interventions.
http://petitiononline.com/RDI4US/petition.html
Thank you
Please follow this link and sign this petition to ask our legislators to include these valuable, cognitive-developmental interventions.
http://petitiononline.com/RDI4US/petition.html
Thank you
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Becoming Aware of Your Own Reactions
One of our greatest strengths as parents is our emotional attachment to our children. This is the force that drives us forward, that gives us the strength to do what needs to be done in order to give them the best possible start in life. Teachers and therapists may be dedicated and competent, but they will never have the emotional bond that you have with your child.
At the same time, our emotional attachment can bring obstacles into the guided participation relationship. As a parent who is also an RDI Consultant, I have come to realize that it is much easier for me to use RDI strategies with other people's children. I care about the children who I work with, but I do not have the parent-child bond and the history that can often bring obstacles in the guided participation relationship. I've spent some time reflecting on these obstacles, in an effort to help myself, and other parents become aware of them, so we can move past them and help our children to succeed.
Here are some of the obstacles I've become aware of through my experiences as a parent and consultant:
1. Thinking about what is ahead, instead of focusing on the here and now.
As a parent, it is natural to hope for the best. Of course, when you start an RDI program, you are looking forward to the day when your child masters each new objective. We create mission previews during the Readiness and Committment stage in order to clarify our goals. This is an important part of the process.
Equally important, however, is focusing on the here and now. I often find myself getting frustrated with my son, because he is not mastering new obectives as quickly as I'd like him to. On the other hand, when I am working with a client's child, I am focusing on what the child is able to bring to the interaction, and on the actions I need to take in order to help the child be successful. I sometimes have to remind myself to come back to this mindset when I am working with my own son.
2. Falling into old habits.
One of the first things an RDI Consultant looks at during the initial assessment is the dynamic between parent and child. Every parent-child relationship has its own patterns and norms, and one of the most challenging aspects of RDI is becoming aware of the patterns that are hindering your child's progress, then working to change them.
Habits are not easy to change. This is due to the neural connections within our brains. When a group of neurons link together, they form a loop. The more often that neural loop fires, the stronger it becomes, and once that loop is engrained you have a habit that will be difficult to break. This is the same process that occurs with our children, when they form static habits that they feel the need to repeat again and again. Before we can work on forming new connections for them, we must work on our own neural loops.
This is the stage where we are working on changing our communication style, slowing down our interactions, and learning to frame activities for our child. As a veteran parent, I must warn you that this process never truly ends. With each milestone my son achieves, there is a period of excitement, but I must be vigilant, because this is where new habits will be formed. It is so easy to get comfortable with the way things are, especially once your child reaches a certain level of mastery. It is important to reflect on your current relationship, and to find ways to keep opportunities for dynamic learning coming, for both you and your child.
3. Reacting to Setbacks Emotionally
This is one of the most difficult habits to break. It is really an extension of the second obstacle, in that our emotional reactions to setbacks come from long-standing neural loops that tend to go into overdrive when faced with certain stimuli.
The key here is to become aware of your own emotional reactions. This is where journaling can be very helpful. Whenever you are interacting with your child, and you find yourself becoming reactive, write down what was going on at the time. This process will help you to become aware of your triggers, situations that "push your buttons". You won't be able to change your reactions until you are aware of them, so this is an important step.
Once you have an idea of your triggers, you can work on strategies to de-fuse your emotional reactions before they become full-blown attacks. We know that it is much easier to de-fuse a meltdown before it is full-blown. The same process works for us. If you know that a certain stimulus triggers an emotional reaction, you can use strategies to prepare yourself and reduce your emotional response. For example, if your child has a tendency to whine in a high-pitched voice when s/he is feeling challenged, and you know that this is a trigger for you, there are several strategies you can choose from. You could mentally prepare yourself for the whining by repeating a mantra in your mind. You could wear headphones so you do not have to listen to it. You could set a limit with your child by stopping the action until the whining ceases. The specific strategy you use would depend on what works best for you and your child. With consistent practice, you will be able to defuse your emotional reactions to some of these triggers, which will allow you to be fully present when you are working with your child.
These are only a few of the obstacles that I've found. I welcome feedback from other RDI families out there.
At the same time, our emotional attachment can bring obstacles into the guided participation relationship. As a parent who is also an RDI Consultant, I have come to realize that it is much easier for me to use RDI strategies with other people's children. I care about the children who I work with, but I do not have the parent-child bond and the history that can often bring obstacles in the guided participation relationship. I've spent some time reflecting on these obstacles, in an effort to help myself, and other parents become aware of them, so we can move past them and help our children to succeed.
Here are some of the obstacles I've become aware of through my experiences as a parent and consultant:
1. Thinking about what is ahead, instead of focusing on the here and now.
As a parent, it is natural to hope for the best. Of course, when you start an RDI program, you are looking forward to the day when your child masters each new objective. We create mission previews during the Readiness and Committment stage in order to clarify our goals. This is an important part of the process.
Equally important, however, is focusing on the here and now. I often find myself getting frustrated with my son, because he is not mastering new obectives as quickly as I'd like him to. On the other hand, when I am working with a client's child, I am focusing on what the child is able to bring to the interaction, and on the actions I need to take in order to help the child be successful. I sometimes have to remind myself to come back to this mindset when I am working with my own son.
2. Falling into old habits.
One of the first things an RDI Consultant looks at during the initial assessment is the dynamic between parent and child. Every parent-child relationship has its own patterns and norms, and one of the most challenging aspects of RDI is becoming aware of the patterns that are hindering your child's progress, then working to change them.
Habits are not easy to change. This is due to the neural connections within our brains. When a group of neurons link together, they form a loop. The more often that neural loop fires, the stronger it becomes, and once that loop is engrained you have a habit that will be difficult to break. This is the same process that occurs with our children, when they form static habits that they feel the need to repeat again and again. Before we can work on forming new connections for them, we must work on our own neural loops.
This is the stage where we are working on changing our communication style, slowing down our interactions, and learning to frame activities for our child. As a veteran parent, I must warn you that this process never truly ends. With each milestone my son achieves, there is a period of excitement, but I must be vigilant, because this is where new habits will be formed. It is so easy to get comfortable with the way things are, especially once your child reaches a certain level of mastery. It is important to reflect on your current relationship, and to find ways to keep opportunities for dynamic learning coming, for both you and your child.
3. Reacting to Setbacks Emotionally
This is one of the most difficult habits to break. It is really an extension of the second obstacle, in that our emotional reactions to setbacks come from long-standing neural loops that tend to go into overdrive when faced with certain stimuli.
The key here is to become aware of your own emotional reactions. This is where journaling can be very helpful. Whenever you are interacting with your child, and you find yourself becoming reactive, write down what was going on at the time. This process will help you to become aware of your triggers, situations that "push your buttons". You won't be able to change your reactions until you are aware of them, so this is an important step.
Once you have an idea of your triggers, you can work on strategies to de-fuse your emotional reactions before they become full-blown attacks. We know that it is much easier to de-fuse a meltdown before it is full-blown. The same process works for us. If you know that a certain stimulus triggers an emotional reaction, you can use strategies to prepare yourself and reduce your emotional response. For example, if your child has a tendency to whine in a high-pitched voice when s/he is feeling challenged, and you know that this is a trigger for you, there are several strategies you can choose from. You could mentally prepare yourself for the whining by repeating a mantra in your mind. You could wear headphones so you do not have to listen to it. You could set a limit with your child by stopping the action until the whining ceases. The specific strategy you use would depend on what works best for you and your child. With consistent practice, you will be able to defuse your emotional reactions to some of these triggers, which will allow you to be fully present when you are working with your child.
These are only a few of the obstacles that I've found. I welcome feedback from other RDI families out there.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Finding Balance
As the holidays are winding down, I've been reflecting on the past month, and generally getting down on myself for not being more "on-top" of things. My plan was to work with my son intensively during his school break, while keeping up with my family and work obligations, still finding time for myself somewhere along the way. No matter how much I get done, it never seems to be enough.
I know that other RDI parents are feeling this same pressure. How do you find time to work with your child, while still giving your other children the time they deserve, never mind your spouse or significant other, and extended family and friends? And how to you integrate this with the pressures of daily life, especially in these rather frightening times with the flagging economy.
I know that when I am tense, it affects my interactions with both of my children. I find myself getting short-tempered with my son, and he is less able to rise to the challenges I am working on helping him to master. Like all other RDI parents, I am familiar with the feeling of trying to squeeze in some "taping time", in the midst of other obligations. I know the frustration of trying to capture that perfect moment on tape, which somehow rarely seems to happen when the camera is rolling.
Unfortunately, I don't have any easy answers. In my work as an RDI consultant, I talk to families about filling out stress management plans, but real life has a way of stepping in. Consistency is important, but it is also important to take a step back once in a while, and to admit that we are doing the best that we can.
Our children learn by watching us. If they see us putting pressure on ourselves, they will do the same, which ultimately takes away from the joy and connection that we are working so hard to establish. I think it is important that we, as parents, learn to give ourselves a break. All challenges are here for us to learn and grow, but that can't happen if we are too tense to notice.
As the new year begins, I would like to propose that RDI parents, and all parents raising special-needs children, make self-care a priority. I find that my son's progress is enhanced when I am relaxed, and ironically, less focused on the end product of a given interaction. When I am feeling uptight, he is more likely to shut down. Building resilience in our children is one of RDI's long-term goals, and the best way to do this is to model it. Let our children see us taking time out for simple pleasures, and letting go of the pressure of daily life for a while. We generally can't change the world, but we can change our minds about the world. Take care, and happy new year.
I know that other RDI parents are feeling this same pressure. How do you find time to work with your child, while still giving your other children the time they deserve, never mind your spouse or significant other, and extended family and friends? And how to you integrate this with the pressures of daily life, especially in these rather frightening times with the flagging economy.
I know that when I am tense, it affects my interactions with both of my children. I find myself getting short-tempered with my son, and he is less able to rise to the challenges I am working on helping him to master. Like all other RDI parents, I am familiar with the feeling of trying to squeeze in some "taping time", in the midst of other obligations. I know the frustration of trying to capture that perfect moment on tape, which somehow rarely seems to happen when the camera is rolling.
Unfortunately, I don't have any easy answers. In my work as an RDI consultant, I talk to families about filling out stress management plans, but real life has a way of stepping in. Consistency is important, but it is also important to take a step back once in a while, and to admit that we are doing the best that we can.
Our children learn by watching us. If they see us putting pressure on ourselves, they will do the same, which ultimately takes away from the joy and connection that we are working so hard to establish. I think it is important that we, as parents, learn to give ourselves a break. All challenges are here for us to learn and grow, but that can't happen if we are too tense to notice.
As the new year begins, I would like to propose that RDI parents, and all parents raising special-needs children, make self-care a priority. I find that my son's progress is enhanced when I am relaxed, and ironically, less focused on the end product of a given interaction. When I am feeling uptight, he is more likely to shut down. Building resilience in our children is one of RDI's long-term goals, and the best way to do this is to model it. Let our children see us taking time out for simple pleasures, and letting go of the pressure of daily life for a while. We generally can't change the world, but we can change our minds about the world. Take care, and happy new year.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Holidays
This is a crazy time of year, especially for families raising a child with autism. The holidays bring family gatherings and changes in routines that can be extremely difficult for people with autism. The current economic crisis is another source of stress for many families this year.
The holidays can be an exciting time for families who have made some progress in their RDI program. There are many opportunities for guided participation, from decorating the tree to wrapping presents to cooking. It can also be a time of celebration, when you see your child responding to family traditions differently than in past years. There are many opportunities for guided participation, from decorating the tree to shopping for gifts, and many opportunities for positive episodic memory.
The holidays can also be a stressful time, especially for families who are just getting started. The social gatherings and changes in routine can be stressful for our children, and for us. This is often a difficult time to work on remediation goals. It can also be discouraging when changes we are seeing at home are not as apparent with extended family and friends.
As a veteran RDI parent, let me offer this encouragement - it will get better. The first year is often the hardest. If you hang in there and keep on working through the year, your next holiday season will be very different.
This is a time for many families to slow down and simplify things as much as possible. Try not to over-stress yourself and your child. Take things one step at a time. When we are stressed out, we cannot guide our children. They will sense our stress, which will only add to their own sense of unease. They will not be able to learn if they are tense and upset.
Try to let go of your expectations, and just enjoy the season as it unfolds. Take some time for yourself. Don't worry if your house doesn't look perfect, or if you don't have time to send out cards this year. Let go of anything that does not bring you enjoyment. Take a breath. Enjoy your holidays.
The holidays can be an exciting time for families who have made some progress in their RDI program. There are many opportunities for guided participation, from decorating the tree to wrapping presents to cooking. It can also be a time of celebration, when you see your child responding to family traditions differently than in past years. There are many opportunities for guided participation, from decorating the tree to shopping for gifts, and many opportunities for positive episodic memory.
The holidays can also be a stressful time, especially for families who are just getting started. The social gatherings and changes in routine can be stressful for our children, and for us. This is often a difficult time to work on remediation goals. It can also be discouraging when changes we are seeing at home are not as apparent with extended family and friends.
As a veteran RDI parent, let me offer this encouragement - it will get better. The first year is often the hardest. If you hang in there and keep on working through the year, your next holiday season will be very different.
This is a time for many families to slow down and simplify things as much as possible. Try not to over-stress yourself and your child. Take things one step at a time. When we are stressed out, we cannot guide our children. They will sense our stress, which will only add to their own sense of unease. They will not be able to learn if they are tense and upset.
Try to let go of your expectations, and just enjoy the season as it unfolds. Take some time for yourself. Don't worry if your house doesn't look perfect, or if you don't have time to send out cards this year. Let go of anything that does not bring you enjoyment. Take a breath. Enjoy your holidays.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Troubleshooting for Beginners
Setting the stage for co-regulation is one of the most challenging aspects of getting started in RDI®. The following questions are designed to help families “troubleshoot” common obstacles to setting up a co-regulatory interaction with their child. These questions are designed to help families reflect on common mistakes, and are not intended as a substitute for the advice of an RDI® Program Certified Consultant.
1. Are the roles clearly defined?
Prior to starting a co-regulatory pattern, it is important to clearly define roles for each participant.
2. Does the child understand his role?
Never assume that your child understands his role, even if it seems very simple and clear to you. Show the child what you want him to do, using strategies suggested by your consultant.
3. Is the child capable of fulfilling her role?
Choose roles based on your child’s capabilities, not on what you think your child “should” be able to do, or what other children of the same age can do. The goal of these early, co-regulatory experiences is to allow your child to feel competent in an area which is extremely challenging – namely engaging in a back and forth “dance” of co-regulation with their partner. If your child’s role is overly challenging, he will be unable to focus on the interaction with you, and he will not experience the feeling of competence that is crucial for the development of trust and resilience.
4. Is the environment too distracting?
Are you trying to engage your child while she is watching a favorite video or engaged in a preferred activity? Are you trying to set up co-regulation in a loud, busy environment that is overwhelming to your child? These are challenges for a higher stage. For now, work on setting up co-regulation in a familiar, distraction-free environment.
5. Are you using too much verbal language?
Too much verbal communication can be an obstacle for both parent and child at this stage. Many children have difficulty processing verbal communication. If you are trying to “explain” the child’s role, he may be unable to process all of your words, which will lead him to withdraw from the interaction in one way or another. Other children are extremely verbal, and will use their words to try to control the interaction. Since 80% of all communication is nonverbal, it is important to give our children ample opportunity to practice both reading and using nonverbal cues.
6. Are you allowing the child to control the interaction?
Children who do not feel competent participating in a dynamic, co-regulated interaction often cope by attempting to control the interaction, thus making it static and “un-threatening”. These children will generally resist your initial attempts to establish co-regulation. It is important to work through this initial resistance, even if your child is not happy about participating. Your consultant will give you specific strategies for working through this initial resistance, which will decrease once your child is feeling more competent.
7. Are you trying to “get” a specific response from the child?
Co-regulation is like a dance, in which each partner adjusts to the other. It is not a static system in which there is a “right” or “wrong” answer. In the beginning stages of RDI®, your child is learning how to read and respond to your cues, which is why it is important for you to be in the lead at this point. However, that does not mean that your child is expected to “comply” with your set ideas of how the interaction is supposed to go. It is important to clarify the roles and limits of the interaction prior to beginning, but the direction the interaction takes may vary within those limits. If this is challenging for you, please ask your consultant for guidance.
8. Is the child emotionally/physically ready to work on remediation?
Remediation is challenging for your child. Think about a time when you were learning something new that was challenging for you. How receptive would you have been if you’d been tired/hungry/stressed-out? Choose times when your child is fresh and ready to learn.
9. Are you adding simple variations (“just noticeable differences”) to successful co-regulatory patterns?
Once the initial pattern is established, you want to make sure it stays dynamic by adding small, “just-noticeable” differences. These variations can include, but are not limited to, changes in pacing, distance, sounds, environment, roles, materials, etc. Ask your consultant to help you in choosing variations that are appropriate for your child.
10. Are you allowing the child time to process the changes when you are adding variations?
When you add a variation, you are making the interaction more dynamic. This is challenging for most children who are starting RDI®. Since the primary goal of RDI® is to help our children feel successful in dynamic systems, we need to spotlight these moments and make sure our children are processing the changes. Pausing directly prior to the variation gives your child a cue that something different is about to happen, and pausing after gives your child time to think about the change and how she will respond to it. This is the essence of dynamic interactions, and is essential practice for your child.
11. Are you returning to prior successful frameworks when the variations are met with extreme resistance?
Not all variations are met with thoughtfulness or enjoyment. If your child becomes extremely distressed when you introduce a new variation, pause and return to the previous pattern. Several things could be happening here. It could be that the initial pattern is not established in your child’s mind. Or it could be that the variation itself was simply too challenging. Or, it could just be that your child is having a bad day. If your child is consistently shutting down when you add variations, ask your consultant for guidance.
12. Are you slowing down and waiting for the child to repair breakdowns?
It is inevitable that co-regulation will break down at some point. When this occurs, our first inclination is to step in and take some action to “bring the child back”. It is important to give your child opportunities to practice repairing these breakdowns. When your co-regulatory interaction breaks down, give your child adequate time to think about the breakdown and to take some action to repair it. Some consultants recommend counting to 45 slowly in your head while you wait. If your child tries to leave, or does not repair the interaction, then use whatever strategies your consultant recommends. Eventually, she will take some action to repair the interaction.
13. Are you using declarative, experience-sharing communication?
This is critical for success in RDI®. Monitor yourself when you are communicating with your child, not only during co-regulatory activities, but throughout the day as well. Strive for a ratio of 80% declarative/20% imperative communication.
These are only some of the potential obstacles families face when working on establishing a system of guided participation with their child. This document certainly will not cover all obstacles, and it is important to seek the advice of your consultant if you are confused or unable to determine what is causing the problem.
The main purpose of this document is to offer families a “cheat-sheet” of potential obstacles as they reflect on their work with their child. As parents, we want to build competence in our children, and as consultants, we want to build competence in the parents who we work with. It is my hope that this will be a useful resource for parents in spotting potential obstacles to co-regulation and helping them to make the most of their consultation sessions.
1. Are the roles clearly defined?
Prior to starting a co-regulatory pattern, it is important to clearly define roles for each participant.
2. Does the child understand his role?
Never assume that your child understands his role, even if it seems very simple and clear to you. Show the child what you want him to do, using strategies suggested by your consultant.
3. Is the child capable of fulfilling her role?
Choose roles based on your child’s capabilities, not on what you think your child “should” be able to do, or what other children of the same age can do. The goal of these early, co-regulatory experiences is to allow your child to feel competent in an area which is extremely challenging – namely engaging in a back and forth “dance” of co-regulation with their partner. If your child’s role is overly challenging, he will be unable to focus on the interaction with you, and he will not experience the feeling of competence that is crucial for the development of trust and resilience.
4. Is the environment too distracting?
Are you trying to engage your child while she is watching a favorite video or engaged in a preferred activity? Are you trying to set up co-regulation in a loud, busy environment that is overwhelming to your child? These are challenges for a higher stage. For now, work on setting up co-regulation in a familiar, distraction-free environment.
5. Are you using too much verbal language?
Too much verbal communication can be an obstacle for both parent and child at this stage. Many children have difficulty processing verbal communication. If you are trying to “explain” the child’s role, he may be unable to process all of your words, which will lead him to withdraw from the interaction in one way or another. Other children are extremely verbal, and will use their words to try to control the interaction. Since 80% of all communication is nonverbal, it is important to give our children ample opportunity to practice both reading and using nonverbal cues.
6. Are you allowing the child to control the interaction?
Children who do not feel competent participating in a dynamic, co-regulated interaction often cope by attempting to control the interaction, thus making it static and “un-threatening”. These children will generally resist your initial attempts to establish co-regulation. It is important to work through this initial resistance, even if your child is not happy about participating. Your consultant will give you specific strategies for working through this initial resistance, which will decrease once your child is feeling more competent.
7. Are you trying to “get” a specific response from the child?
Co-regulation is like a dance, in which each partner adjusts to the other. It is not a static system in which there is a “right” or “wrong” answer. In the beginning stages of RDI®, your child is learning how to read and respond to your cues, which is why it is important for you to be in the lead at this point. However, that does not mean that your child is expected to “comply” with your set ideas of how the interaction is supposed to go. It is important to clarify the roles and limits of the interaction prior to beginning, but the direction the interaction takes may vary within those limits. If this is challenging for you, please ask your consultant for guidance.
8. Is the child emotionally/physically ready to work on remediation?
Remediation is challenging for your child. Think about a time when you were learning something new that was challenging for you. How receptive would you have been if you’d been tired/hungry/stressed-out? Choose times when your child is fresh and ready to learn.
9. Are you adding simple variations (“just noticeable differences”) to successful co-regulatory patterns?
Once the initial pattern is established, you want to make sure it stays dynamic by adding small, “just-noticeable” differences. These variations can include, but are not limited to, changes in pacing, distance, sounds, environment, roles, materials, etc. Ask your consultant to help you in choosing variations that are appropriate for your child.
10. Are you allowing the child time to process the changes when you are adding variations?
When you add a variation, you are making the interaction more dynamic. This is challenging for most children who are starting RDI®. Since the primary goal of RDI® is to help our children feel successful in dynamic systems, we need to spotlight these moments and make sure our children are processing the changes. Pausing directly prior to the variation gives your child a cue that something different is about to happen, and pausing after gives your child time to think about the change and how she will respond to it. This is the essence of dynamic interactions, and is essential practice for your child.
11. Are you returning to prior successful frameworks when the variations are met with extreme resistance?
Not all variations are met with thoughtfulness or enjoyment. If your child becomes extremely distressed when you introduce a new variation, pause and return to the previous pattern. Several things could be happening here. It could be that the initial pattern is not established in your child’s mind. Or it could be that the variation itself was simply too challenging. Or, it could just be that your child is having a bad day. If your child is consistently shutting down when you add variations, ask your consultant for guidance.
12. Are you slowing down and waiting for the child to repair breakdowns?
It is inevitable that co-regulation will break down at some point. When this occurs, our first inclination is to step in and take some action to “bring the child back”. It is important to give your child opportunities to practice repairing these breakdowns. When your co-regulatory interaction breaks down, give your child adequate time to think about the breakdown and to take some action to repair it. Some consultants recommend counting to 45 slowly in your head while you wait. If your child tries to leave, or does not repair the interaction, then use whatever strategies your consultant recommends. Eventually, she will take some action to repair the interaction.
13. Are you using declarative, experience-sharing communication?
This is critical for success in RDI®. Monitor yourself when you are communicating with your child, not only during co-regulatory activities, but throughout the day as well. Strive for a ratio of 80% declarative/20% imperative communication.
These are only some of the potential obstacles families face when working on establishing a system of guided participation with their child. This document certainly will not cover all obstacles, and it is important to seek the advice of your consultant if you are confused or unable to determine what is causing the problem.
The main purpose of this document is to offer families a “cheat-sheet” of potential obstacles as they reflect on their work with their child. As parents, we want to build competence in our children, and as consultants, we want to build competence in the parents who we work with. It is my hope that this will be a useful resource for parents in spotting potential obstacles to co-regulation and helping them to make the most of their consultation sessions.
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